The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
