I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
