My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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