Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I need moral support for this bender
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
