Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I want to make a zoo with you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
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Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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