It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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