Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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