I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
