i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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