My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
