I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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