i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
