Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
