There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
