maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Panties = found
Randomize
