guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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