I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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