your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's never too late to be topless.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
