guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
