can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
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