New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
