I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
