this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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