At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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