My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
