is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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