Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
