Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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