Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
