Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
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you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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