I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
