I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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