I just made out with a guy for $7.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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