my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
