I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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