just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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