i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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