Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It's official drugs can't kill me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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