I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
