I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
