He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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