There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
