White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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