Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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