Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
