I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
