is your mom at the bar?
We're facebook friends in real life
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
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Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
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And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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