Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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