Just took my morning after pill in the library
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
