He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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