just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
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I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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