New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Drunk is not a location!
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