it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
