just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize