i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
