What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
