Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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