I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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